Fictional Voices, Real Island Vibes

Island Characters

Satirical takes on the personalities you'll meet

Every island has its characters. Our fictional contributors capture the lighter side of Nantucket life—the exasperated year-rounders, the summer families who are "basically locals," the wellness influencers, the shark hunters, and the lobster roll purists. These satirical voices represent the personalities you might encounter, exaggerated for your entertainment.

Latest Articles

Fresh takes from our contributors

Barnaby Blowhard III

A Whale's Perspective on Your Whale-Themed Vacation

On throw pillows, scrimshaw, and the fascinating journey from "rendered into lamp fuel" to "embroidered on your pants."

Dee Bunker

Interview: Trip Whitmore on Island Life

"How long has your family been coming here?" "Forever." "Can you give me a year?" "...2009."

Brittany Rosé

The Bachelorette Weekend From Hell: A Survival Story

Fourteen women. Zero RSVPs. One surprise toddler. A cautionary tale for maid of honors everywhere.

Trip Whitmore

The FBO Crisis Nobody's Talking About

When even a Whitmore has to wait 47 minutes at the private terminal, something has gone terribly wrong.

Mimi St. Claire

A Love Letter to the New Places

Mimi champions restaurants opened in the last 5 years. Innovation isn't disrespect—it's evolution.

Dotty Coffin

Cobblestone Walking: An Etiquette Manifesto

A step-by-step guide to proper cobblestone walking. Don't stop in the middle. Don't photograph your feet.

Brittany Rosé

Bicycle Safety: A Love Letter

Brittany gets real about bicycle safety after rosé. Supportive and positive, but includes a cautionary tale.

Sandy Bottoms

The Great Seaweed Relocation Scandal

Sandy investigates the disturbing trend of beachgoers moving seaweed to their neighbors' areas.

Captain Pete

My $12,000 Equipment List (And Why It's Worth It)

Pete reviews his ever-growing arsenal. Every item gets 5 stars despite none helping him see a shark.

Sloane Carmichael-Worthington

Introducing Align with ACK: A Wellness Journey

For $350, discover what the island has been trying to tell you. Payment plans available. Transformation guaranteed.

Sloane Carmichael-Worthington

A Spiritual Guide to Nantucket's Beaches

Mapping the island's shores by vibrational frequency, chakra alignment, and energetic intention.

Featured Debates

When our critics clash

The Lobster Roll Wars

Harold Benchley III vs. Mimi St. Claire

Two food critics, two philosophies, one crustacean. Harold defends tradition (mayo, always mayo). Mimi champions butter.

Harold's Mayo ManifestoMimi's Butter Response
Harold's Rebuttal

The Food Truck Debate

Harold Benchley III vs. Mimi St. Claire

Are food trucks a menace or a revolution? Harold says dining requires sitting. Mimi disagrees.

Harold: A MenaceMimi: The Revolution

The Chad Debate

Dotty Coffin vs. Trip Whitmore

Year-rounder vs. summer kid: Dotty catalogs the species, Trip demands respect. Both claim to love the island. Only one has been here since 1821.

Dotty: A Field GuideTrip: In Defense

The Beach Energy Debate

Sloane Carmichael-Worthington vs. Dotty Coffin

Chakras vs. parking spots: Sloane maps beaches by vibrational frequency. Dotty responds with 67 years of practical knowledge. Sloane holds space for Dotty's resistance.

Sloane: Spiritual GuideDotty: Practical Guide
Sloane: Holding Space

Interviews

Dee Bunker talks to our contributors

Trip Whitmore: "We're Basically Locals"

Interview by Dee Bunker

A conversation about family legacy, FBO wait times, and what sixteen summers really means. Trip mentions Richard four times. Dee asks follow-up questions.

Read the Interview

Browse by Contributor

Find your favorites

Dee Bunker

Staff Reporter

Barnaby Blowhard III

Cetacean Correspondent

Meet the Contributors

Our op-ed section features a colorful cast of fictional characters, each bringing their own perspective to island life. From exasperated year-rounders to enthusiastic event planners, from feuding food critics to hapless shark hunters—get to know the voices behind the opinions.

Meet Our Contributors →

What We Cover (And What We Don't)

We cover: The fun stuff. Food debates, beach etiquette, tourist observations (gentle ribbing only), ferry vs. plane debates, bike path politics, wildlife encounters, and all the lighthearted quirks of island life.

We don't cover: Serious community issues like housing affordability, healthcare access, or real political controversies. Those topics deserve real journalism by real people—not fictional characters.